Well I’ve dragged myself from my slumber to write the 9th version of this god damn newsletter, which is honestly for the best because I was dreaming about french bobs and fish tanks, themes I just can’t escape, but I’ll confess that Snippety was ready to go 3 weeks ago until I overanalyzed, re-wrote, re-edited, created a whole writing ideology based on the range between scones and cotton candy, took a long nap, and got a fish. Oh, Gilly.

So Gerry, my father, brought me a tabletop gumball machine when he visited last fall. For the purposes of the story I’ll pretend like I didn’t insist upon it, so here we are, and suddenly I have this gumball machine bestowed on me, ugh, and the conundrum becomes: what to do with it. (I’ll mention that it’s been converted into a fish bowl because that’s specifically what I asked for and then subsequently deemed it too small.)

Fast forward and Gerry is back in town and we’re brainstorming ideas for its use – a terrarium? Piggy bank? For those tiny dinosaurs that hatch in water? No. I obviously need a snail. We declare the next day Snail Day and pilgrimage to the pet store where I was informed that sorry, snails prefer filtered water. So I panicked, bought a Betta, and have spent the past 3 weeks upgrading Gillifer to a 5.5 apartment with state of the art heating and aquatic plants. The gumball machine is, once again, empty.

—Seeing as how I’ve been stripping for 8 years, I often dream about quitting and when I do fantasize about this monumental moment (to which you’re all invited), my imagination has me climbing the steps of the stage in a scarlet gossamer robe yelling “hit it Sam!” at the DJ, who cranks up the iconic opening tinkles of the ethereal dream rock windswept masterpiece Wuthering Heights, to which I kick off my shoes and do my best interpretive dance under the red lights.

In the most exciting of happenings, I HAVE A CRIMPER! Yes, if you too would like MacCain crinkle cut hair, I can absolutely provide. It’s called the Super Krimper because it’s directly from the 80s and it matches my Super Mini Pro 1250 blow dryer so I am fucking delighted. If you love antiques and vintage, check out my friend Jesse’s beautifully curated online vintage shop, Fafard Select.

In other snip shop news, the barbershop is looking for hair models! We’re taking 2 cutting classes next month on April 3rd and 17th and need folks with medium to long hair who’d be into getting a fresh new do. I would love to give someone a french bob, and we also need models for shags or wolf cuts.

Thanks again for joining me on this journey. I’m really looking forward to seeing how this project unfolds and creating something fun and colorful!

Till next month, pals, get snippety and pray for spring. And let me know if you have any ideas for my damn gumball machine.

Your radically unchill friend/barber/internet stranger,
Jess

PS Happy Birthday Mom, if you’re reading this! (and shoutout to Wayne, you know why.)